No reason to stay is a good reason to go

♫ Hammerfall – Glory to the brave

I hope my post title doesn't sound suicidal as it's not supposed to, it was just a good quote I found when Google suggested I look for "quotes about moving on". I thought I would be all hyped about realizing my dreams when I would get back to updating my blog, but well, life's a roller coaster. I realized one dream – visited Germany and Berlin for the first time. On the day I returned my boss called me (although I am on vacation, yes) to tell he would have to lay me off "for the time being due to economic reasons". Well, we all knew what the situation was, but I certainly did not expect this – I had (my favourite recurring) a project coming up very soon after the end of my vacation, but then... Things didn't go quite as expected.

I refuse to think there was something else behind it but the fact I was probably an expensive employee (though still remarkably underpaid). I know my place and the level of my talent and know it's not overshadowed by my workmates'. And although I was not fired and I figured they want to get me back as soon as they get more clients and more money, I'm not going to sit still and wait for that day. I think they think I'm doing just that – but no, although I liked the atmosphere and had some nice projects as well, I had been thinking of looking for a job where I could get a reasonable salary and some new challenges. I have no reason to do much in July since most companies in this field are on vacation, but I will soon start to look for a new job... It's probably about the time I listen to all the people who have told me to do that even while I still was working without a threat of unemployment or a temporary lay-off.

I will soon flood you with Berlin posts, but not yet. I took over one thousand photos during the five-day trip. I spent over twelve hours a day mostly on my feet more than once, and still didn't see everything.

Yesterday I went out with a friend couple to celebrate the lady's birthday, looking like that. Didn't bother to take an outfit photo as my SLR camera was somewhere with a memory card full of Berlin. I opted for double-buns after a long time again. :> I think I heard something about "fucking Mickey Mouse" once, but I was also complimented by another person who told me I'm stunning (why, thank you!) and since I was asked, I told I'm a graphic designer, and this person thought it made sense I have such a sense of style. Though I'm glad the conversation died quickly, I feel a bit sensitive talking about work-related things at the moment. :| Almost felt I couldn't say I am a graphic designer.

So yeah. I suppose I'll get back to posting about Berlin soon enough. Somewhere between fighting bureaucracy and trying to rediscover my self-confidence and find a new beginning with a new job. With such hopes, so long.

Greetings from the Middle Ages

♫ Dreamtale – Firestorm

We popped to the Medieval Market in Turku on Sunday. It was a nice trip, the weather was quite nice (=okayish for me, hot for the others) and company was awesome.

Now I'm going to flood you with pictures. Sadly, some of them turned out, eh, not so good. I had the energy to edit some, and while I was resizing those edited ones to be posted here, the software I used seemed to compress the jpg-files quite a lot! Of course you lose some data each time you resave a jpg file, but oh dear, I've done the same procedure innumerable times when posting photos online and never before have I seen such a radical change. So yeah, the images which were supposed to be the best turned out the worst with the hardest contrast and such. :> But I don't have time to redo the whole thing or otherwise I'd end up posting these photos when they'd be anything but fresh.

Some of the photos are not exactly from the Medieval Market but just generally from summery Turku.

Sometimes I try to capture the names of the places I've visited with dates or years printed somewhere as if in order to remember when I've been there. After taking this photo, it took me a while to realize it says 2011 in the shade.

A proof that yours truly was there for real.

The Gear Yard

We were watching from the wrong side,
didn't even figure out what exactly was going on...

Um, yum?

Home-brewed beer. I also tasted a bit, it wasn't as bad as I expected.

Poor little fellow was all alone in the corral.

I really liked the contrast between the fresh grass,
the blooming flowers and the dirty river Aura.

Have you ever been to some Medieval events? Other types of historical events? This was my first time visiting a Medieval event although there's a similar annual happening near my original home town. So long!

Tears won't dry

"Look to the mirror // What do you see? // Beneath the shadows // Hiding your face // I can see hatred // Consuming fear"
– Dreamtale; Tears

Oh yeah, I've spent the last two days crying, or, only one eye has. I don't know why; one eye just started running a race with my nose a few days ago. A mild flu or something, but it's exceptional for my eyes to react in such a way although they are generally quite wet, and tears escape my eyes very easily when I go to bed and press my head against a pillow. And out in the wind etc... And my eye is not sore, red or irritated, so I really don't know why, but it's damn frustrating to look weepy all the time! I noticed the issue yesterday morning after applying my regular heavy make-up, and I had trouble with it all the day. In the evening I had to find a good solution and I tried using Grimas make-up to draw very heavy lining on my upper lids, but it didn't save my looks. And today... Well, I knew I had better surrender.

I went to work wearing only very light makeup without bright eyeshadow or any eyeliner at all. And although I can easily leave my apartment without any makeup, I don't like it if some external factors determine whether I can wear makeup or not. But yeah, just one day during Easter I popped to a kiosk in the central marketplace without makeup, and it wasn't really a problem. But I just like draw something around my eyes! (A side note: the makeup products I use are not the most sensitive to melting or smudging. Even the eyeliner I generally use was advertised as being tear-resistant or something! But oh, I tell you; it's not. And Grimas didn't work either; my eye really is running SO much that absolutely nothing stays there now. Oh, I even tried some UDPP and light eyeshadow today. Nope.)

Only one thing made this agony a bit more bearable. Last night a friend and I went to a local club to see Dreamtale live (yes, again). I guess we both were slightly hesitant since it was Thursday and we both had to get up for work in the morning. Well, I live in the city center so I'm not dependent on public transport, but the gig began probably over an hour later than it had been announced, so well yeah... In fact Dreamtale was only a warm-up act, with Humangod being the main, but I was more interested in Dreamtale anyway. Had they started on time, I would have liked to stay there to see Humangod as well, they're interesting after all, but by the time Dreamtale were done, it was already only six hours to when my alarm would go off for the first time (=six hours and a half before I get up). Oh well, I pretty much ran home and knowing that it would be nothing but a waste of time to try to apply my regular makeup in the morning, I could sleep for another fifteen minutes. :D

I don't have photos of the gig, didn't feel like taking any. Well, the guys hadn't changed much from a few weeks back. The gig was particularly enjoyable though! Unlike the last time, they played each and every song I wished to hear! That said; it was worth the short night and feeling all sleepy.

Back onto my makeup. I feel a bit strange when I'm without makeup or wearing very light makeup like in that photo. I don't know what it is, but I feel somehow... Okay well, when I'm totally without makeup I feel that I look like a boy. Not a man, but a boy. With light makeup I feel that I just look old and tired when my face lacks contrast. However, I popped to a pharmacy today after work, to get something for the running nose, and the pharmacist was about to recommend one product to me which was only for people over 18. Then she actually had to ask if I'm old enough. Thank you my lady, you made my day. Being sleepy and slightly sick, I had a stronger feeling than usual that I looked like I was over thirty.

I've noticed a strange thing; I think I manage to babble quite a lot in my blog posts. It's very strange; I'm comparing my style of writing to what I used to do with my studies. I always wrote compact essays and such, but often got better grades than those with twice as much text. Back then I couldn't really prolong what I had got to say with useless words! It seems I'm capable of it nowadays.

This entry has probably turned out boring by now, so I will entertain you with a bit of art for both eyes and ears. At first a portrait which I finished... Hmm, a month ago I suppose, because I think I finished it four months to the day after my dog's death. Well, a portrait of her. I actually had a print made of it for my parents; it was sent straight to them so I haven't seen it yet, but they've received it already.

I don't have much to say about it, I just felt the need to immortalize her sweetness once more. It was made completely using Photoshop CS5.

And then, candy for yours ears. I already embedded a few Dreamtale songs in this blog post but you will get another one here. I was somewhat surprised they played this last night, but it was awesome to hear it!

And one more thing. Sad, sad news. I mentioned Freedom Call coming to my hometown in that same metalfest entry – their concert date was confirmed and quite soon also cancelled! The whole event where they were supposed to play got cancelled. I'm so very disappointed! :C So long!

The clans are MARCHing

♫ Secret Sphere – Mr. Sin

It's too bad I've been a bit busy for a few days and had to neglect some blogging challenges I typically enjoy completing.

ANYWAY! Is it officially spring now that it's March? The first day of March seemed like the first day of spring here. I cannot remember what the thermometer actually said, but a few days have already been milder. We had a bit of frost today again and will most likely have during the week, but either way, I can already see some bare pavement. (And where I can't – it's bloody slippery there.) Even though I like winter and even though this particular winter has been relatively short, I'm truly looking forward to warmer days.

On Saturday we spent a casual evening in my apartment with a few friends, after I had tried to get creative in the kitchen the day before. I had ended up baking (again), which is something I kinda... I'm not sure if I can say "hate" anymore. I certainly hate cooking, but it's something I need to do anyway. I certainly don't enjoy baking, but I wouldn't have to do it if it was that objectionable. Back then when I was working in a restaurant, cooking, I pretty much refused to ever bake anything (well, since I could refuse; I'm sure the customers were also happier that way), nowadays I'd much rather bake than cook.

Yet I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry when I look at the photo. The slice of the cheesecake can be, err, recognized as cheesecake and it looks at least remotely similar to the photo in the blog post where I found the recipe, but... The sauce. If it had been very fluid, I could have drawn pretty decorations on the slices. Now it looks like someone had thrown up blood onto the plate. :D (Excuse me my associations. It's made of strawberries and lemon juice.)

And, I think I've never managed to build a card house this high. Hahah. I only needed enough rum (Captain Morgan!) to help me with the construction.

The night was fairly interesting. We tried to discuss the best song on Eluveitie's new album Helvetios, but couldn't agree on it (two votes for Alesia, but I disagree). We discussed whether Van Canto has raped Rebellion or Fear of the dark – let alone Primo Victoria – I don't think they have. So yeah, we discussed metal quite a lot, and strangely enough, my Spotify playlist has grown after the night. I wonder how or why... So long!

Thank you, kind sirs

♫ Emilie Autumn – Gothic Lolita

I had hard time trying to decide whether I should ever write this blog post or not. After all, I'm not quite sure who I'm even writing to. I doubt my blog audience disagrees with me much on the issue...

However, certain incidents have made me ponder over the issue so much lately... And although my blog is not supposed to be for ranting let alone remarkably personal issues, I figured I could tie the topic to such things that are interesting in other ways... And more related to my blog. So well, now you'll get to read something very exceptional written by a person who is reluctant to comment on humane issues and who is not openly feminist.

"The kind of murder where nobody dies
But I don't suppose you'd understand"
– Emilie Autumn

Maybe a week or two ago I happened to come across a piece of news on an online news site; a 16-year-old girl had been raped in a bus. Not many details were available, but that's not relevant. Faceless pieces of news rarely stir up strong emotions in me after all, and I still wonder why I clicked the link in the first place.
However, I happened to read something else too. Readers' comments on the article. Only then did my blood begin to boil.
There were several, or let's say, a lot of similar comments, and I'm not citing any of them word for word, but the general style was:
"How is it possible to get raped in a bus?"
"That cannot possibly be true, not in a bus."
"Why didn't she scream or ask for help?"
"If she really didn't get her mouth open in a bus, she can only blame herself for what happened."

Little do they know.

Those people who have never experienced rape, abuse or sexual harassment should never give advice to those who have.

Those people whose sexuality has never been violated can barely imagine what such is like.

Those people who commented on the article were clearly thinking of violence in general, and typical reactions of a victim who's trying to run for their life, descriptively speaking. And well, although I'm not a psychologist, I guess protecting one's life is a very primitive reaction, driven by very primitive instincts. However, most cases of sexual violence are not threatening the victim's life. When people think of rape, they are often imagining a woman walking through a dark alley when a stranger violently attacks them and so on... But a minority of rapes are such.

Sexual violence can hardly be compared to physical violence in general. It rarely leaves victims as physically injured as a knife attack would. The worst injuries are mental.

Those who commented on the article kept wondering how come the girl did not fight back and indeed get alarmed enough to catch the attention of the other passengers or the bus driver. Again, they're trying to generalize sexual violence to be like any other type of violence. I wonder if they have ever heard the 'P' word, which is five letters long, has N in the middle and I following N. No, it's not what crossed your minds first. It's "panic".

"If I had been in that situation, I would have stood up immediately and screamed at the top of my lungs, telling the man to keep his dirty hands off me." A-ha, that would have been wise too. Good for you if you know how you would act in an unexpected situation. I mean, honestly, of course that would be a smart move. Of course no one should tolerate sexual harassment.

However, sexual violence can have the exactly opposite effect as well.
Have these people ever heard rape or abuse victims talking about their experience? Ever heard them saying things like "I was so ashamed", "I felt so dirty" etc?
I'm still no psychologist, haven't carried out research on the topic, but I still dare to claim that those are quite... common feelings. Shame, embarrassment, humiliation... Being dirty, being at fault.

Now, doesn't it make sense? If someone is violating your sexuality, humiliating you... Would you want to add to your humiliation by catching the attention of passers-by? We can say that in order to stop the criminal act, the shame should be ignored and the victim should at least try to get help at once. But do those people think it is easy?

I dare to say that very many cases of sexual violence could have been avoided, or their continuity halted, if the victim had spoken out, acted, defended themselves with violence etc... But the thing is, it is very difficult. Not just for children, but also for grown-ups. Anyone. Those experiences are potentially so humiliating to their victims that they would rather remain silent, hoping no one would ever find out. And even if the very crime happened in public... Well, panic doesn't always lead to fighting like a little animal. It affects people in different ways, totally freezing others, especially in situations which make them feel somehow exposed, vulnerable... "I wish he would stop, I wish this would be over soon, I wish those people wouldn't notice."

But, now, does sexual violence become less of a crime if the victim remains silent and refrains from actively defending themselves? Hell no. Sexual violence, no matter the type, is always solely up to the abuser. It's their choice whether to touch or not to touch. If the victim is drunk or dressed like a slut, it doesn't signify permission.

Never blame the victim. Not even for being unable to ask for help.
Lack of active opposition doesn't equal consent. However, a person with normal social skills should easily recognize reluctance. It means, "hands off".

I truly feel sorry for the girl. I can imagine how she keeps blaming herself for what happened, wondering what she did wrong and thinking how she's so very dirty now. And even though this one case could always have been a false denunciation, such things do happen for real. In private and in public.

"Thank you, kind sirs
You've made me what I am today
A bundle of broken nerves
A mouthful of words I'm still afraid to say"
– Emilie Autumn

Recovery processes after sexual violence are also individual. Maybe some can soon shrug it off, others are traumatized for years or lifetimes. However, common is the fact that they're all victims, not the ones to blame.

Inspired, I drew something the other day (or to be precise, I spent a few days on the drawing). I had wanted to practice digital drawing and especially coloring, and bare human skin was technically a good way to start. Yet I rarely draw anything – or make pictures of some other kind – without some kind of a background story or some emotions attached. Things going around in my head resulted in this drawing, made using Photoshop CS5:

Consequently, I named the drawing "Thank you kind sirs", with respect to Emilie Autumn's song "Gothic Lolita". The song itself is hardly my favorite EA song, not at all, but I truly like its lyrics – especially those lines I cited last. Emilie has sung about sexual violence with subtle hints here and there, having experienced it herself. I think she knows what she's talking about.

Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm writing about this in a blog which is supposed to be about creativity and lifestyle. Perhaps in order to give an introduction to my drawing? Well that's a lot of words when images are supposed to speak. I'm not sure if I said all the relevant points I had in mind... But like I said, I doubt my rant reaches the right audience here, but perhaps it doesn't matter. I'm not the type to speak out, really... Or indeed. Guess that's my fault.

"But ruffles and laces
And candy sweet faces
Directed your furtive hand
I perfectly understand
So it's my fault?"

Emilie Autumn's Fight Like a Girl tour is coming to my hometown in April. I already got a ticket, anyone else coming?

P.S: The drawing has a very subtle and unmentioned connection to Emilie Autumn. Can anyone guess what it is?
P.P.S: Although I spent several days working on this post, I finished and proof-read it at night, being tired, so please excuse me...